Welcome To The Orange Part Of The Egg Page
Yoke/Joke




Bill Gates Being Sized Up By God
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.
"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago.
I can't believe this is happening.
What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"
Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."





God Speaks Billboards

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say.
The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
Don't make me come down there. -God




It All Happened One Day In Eden...

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time.
He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you.
He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."
"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."





Kids' Letters To God
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry





God's Cents
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
He replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "$1 coin."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your $1 coins?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."




God Created Man God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years.
You will be a DONKEY! The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG! The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed. Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.
That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.


Two Things Left
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations.
So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.
It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.
Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.
It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position.
He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts,
"What's left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."



Back Home